Choices…

This image has been in my head for a while. There’s a few different versions of it floating around in my mind — so I’m not done playing around with the concept. This is first crack at it. It’s inspired by having a multitude of potentially life-or-death decisions to make thrown my way… seemingly out of nowhere.

The topic of choices leads me to one of the main insights I’ve gained directly from being diagnosed with cancer. I’ve had the realization in the past few weeks, that I’m truly happy with the choices I’ve made in my life. And I am so grateful for that. It’s a pretty great feeling!  While I haven’t done anything extraordinary — I have done things my own way — at least within my power.

There was a time in my twenties, when I believed that life was a “go with the flow” journey, that I wasn’t making choices, that I would end up where the current took me — by fate or something like that.  Well… I ended up married and living in the woods, when I would have preferred being single and living in a city.  He was a good guy who wanted to be a dad. I had stated clearly and several times prior to marriage that I didn’t want children. Turned out he didn’t believe me… or worse… he dismissed me. He pressured me to get pregnant and I almost relented. Between him and society pressures.. I almost ended up having kids that would have changed my entire lifestyle — in a way that I’d never desired. I love kids but I’ve never had the desire to grow them myself. One of the best things about having choices… is that we don’t have to do what everyone else thinks we should!

It’s a long and winding story, so I’ll just say that the perfect storm with multiple events (including dreams and visions) happened to me during that time, and — I woke up. Just enough to start making some choices and changes that I’ve never regretted. Until cancer — that divorce was the most difficult thing I managed to do. It is not easy to leave a comfortable, seemingly “right” situation…. even when you know it’s not the right place for you. But I did.

Another pivotal choice was to leave behind an art teaching career. Seven years ago, I was a full-time tenured art teacher at a nice semi-rural school district just outside Syracuse. I taught computer graphics, photography, and studio art. I was well liked by my colleagues, administrators, and students. I was in a good place! I had worked hard to get there. At age 34, I bought my own house. I was at a point, where I could have just stayed on track until retirement. But… by age 36, I was bored with it all. Another perfect storm of events and people gave me the courage to make big changes. I sold the house, resigned from the secure job, and moved (just me and my dog) to a little artsy city in Maryland — where I had many adventures. I am so grateful for these experiences. I know if I was still in that teaching job now, in that house, and diagnosed with cancer — that I would be deeply regretting right now, not having done anything else.

Now, here I am in Ithaca. I’d had it in my head to move here since the mid-90’s. It took until 2008. I find myself surrounded by artists, musicians, and all sorts of creative earth-loving people. I am inspired and (with the exception of cancer) am having the time of my life. I had already suspected as much, but cancer has helped me realize on a deeper level, that I am living the life that I desire.

And… I could not be in a better place, have a better job, have better co-workers, have better friends, than right now — to deal with cancer.

Cancer has not been some big spiritual enlightenment for me. I am not all of a sudden religious. I don’t have any more answers about life and death than I did before. But it has made me realize that I feel pretty grounded in my beliefs. All the searching I did in my 20’s and 30’s (and I did a lot!) — has paid off. I find myself here, now, at peace. Still learning… still asking questions… still trying to stay connected and to meditate daily… still open to and excited about learning more because there is so much more to learn… still falling far short of perfection…  but at peace.

I sense that there is more to learn from this cancer. I think that whatever it is — will get absorbed after I am through dealing with the bigger physical challenges. For now — the challenges of moving, stretching, side-effects, eating, supplements, sleeping… etc,.. take up most of my days while I fantasize about feeling and looking good again.