Self Portrait in Hallway (July 2012, cell phone image)
Today I was scrolling through the breast cancer forums and was drawn to a thread with the following topic: Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
I read post after post of women who have made it through the hell of diagnosis, tests and scans, decisions, surgery, chemo,… etc., and have found themselves standing on the other side of this experience wondering how the hell this happened. For some women it’s the first time they’ve allowed themselves to truly feel. As in feel fear, grief, anger….
I’ve been dealing with some of this myself. Which is why I was drawn to the title of the post. Below is what I posted to the thread.
10 weeks past final treatment — feeling good, eating good, exercising, hair is growing in…. but the title of this post drew me in because I’ve been experiencing the same thing lately. Diagnosed in November… and I can tell you — I hardly remember the winter. December – March is a blur. Survival mode for sure. I had my eye on summer as much as possible all the way through. I imagined myself going to summer music festivals. Well here I am. And I am rollercoastering between the joy of making it through hell, and tears for all I’ve been through. I keep getting hit with waves of realization — of being diagnosed with cancer, of having lost a breast, of having lost my hair, of how effing serious this all is and how it really could kill me. The realization that I was faced with making life or death decisions that I was not equipped to make, and had very little time to decide. On some levels… this still feels surreal. I haven’t had my meltdown yet…. but I expect I will need to go through it. I take hot yoga classes… and during the past 3 classes, while I’m sweating and as the toxins are releasing… and feel the urge to cry. No… I feel the urge to sob uncontrollably. It’s as if grief and sorrow is bubbling up my core and getting caught in my throat. And of course, I refuse to cry like that in class! Anyway… I am here reading your posts and I can see that I am not damaged, but that this is another step toward moving on.
fleeting glances: a moment. a day. a year. a life. 
It’s an amazing experience being on the other side isn’t it? I find it to be a whole new bundle of emotions, the source not often clearly recognizable. Nothing like those “waves” eh?
ok my first post didn’t make it…lets try again…we were both wondering how you were doing and feeling but not bringing it up because living it for you was enough…we are experiencing those bubbling up and breaking down lately much more than ever….we are so glad you are so strong and such a beautiful soul…to our daughter with love mom and dad ♥♥